


the truth is the stars are falling

by tonyang (kurusui)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon, Drifting Apart, M/M, finding their way back home
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-08 15:36:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11649555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurusui/pseuds/tonyang
Summary: They fall apart after a coffee shop date, but Jeonghan waits for Joshua to smile again.





	the truth is the stars are falling

**Author's Note:**

> nothing makes me happier than knowing this could never happen in real life. still, maybe if you downplayed the drama by 95%, parts of it once felt like they could be. i started this in march and wrote a lot during a low point, but things are better now. i still wanted to finish it but shua! is! comfortable with jeonghan and also he would never! do! this! to! him!
> 
> (1) through (4) occur during the main timeline, and (a) through (c) occur before it. 
> 
> title source and primary inspiration for the piece is [troye sivan's ease](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAt1m1lQK3w).

1.

They’re still alone in the cafe. It’s 2 in the afternoon on a Tuesday, this place is hidden away in the back streets of the neighborhood, is it that much to ask another person to just come in and be a distraction? The part time worker looks pained to be standing at the counter, forced to overhear this.

Joshua thinks maybe he’s on the verge of tears, and it’s probably written all over his face, and also, Jeonghan’s face is like stone, right now.

Maybe he is on the verge of tears, but they just don’t come. “For once, I just need something.”

“Something?” Jeonghan asks, eyebrow a little raised in confusion and mild concern. It really hurts to see him like that, so clueless.

“This is bad,” Joshua says with an attempt to laugh, the slow realization he may crumble right here triggering something in him that pretends life is a lot more of a joke than it feels like. He didn’t mean for things to happen like this, right here, right now. It was just supposed to be coffee.

“Hong Jisoo are you okay,” Jeonghan says quickly.

The honest answer would be “I’m really not, Jeonghan”; and maybe it’d be really great if he could just cry right here and now so Jeonghan would scoop him up in his arms and whisper “are you okay,” and stay with him until this strange nightmare ends, and Joshua would have these awful feelings of neediness invalidated. Just reveal the weakness but in return, get what he needs, which is freedom from suffering.

This is so selfish.

“I’m fine,” Joshua says. “Leave.”

He expects Jeonghan to stay.

“If you say so,” Jeonghan replies, standing up and pushing out his chair, looking Joshua in the eyes to make sure he means it. Of course he doesn’t mean it. Yoon Jeonghan is a fool. Joshua isn’t that good at hiding his emotions, so it’s kind of ridiculous that he’s not noticing anything, or maybe, his mind is occupied with other things.

“I,” Joshua starts, to hold Jeonghan’s attention - he can’t finish the thought. He doesn’t have a thought. For all he can do, Jeonghan might as well walk out the door.

“What’s wrong, Jisoo,” Jeonghan says, and suddenly he’s hugging him from behind in between the moment he closes and opens his eyes in a blink, and Joshua thinks maybe this is a dream. He lifts his fingers to the arms around his shoulders and he feels the rough texture of Jeonghan’s ugly, oversized sweater. This is real. Belatedly he registers the scrape of the other wooden chair against the floor.

“Everything is wrong, Jeonghan. Everything.”

“Shua-ya.” Jeonghan is warm against his back, his long brown hair falling in waves in front of Joshua’s eyes. He curls his hand over Jeonghan’s, the layer of his woolen sleeve between them.

“Jeonghan-ah.”

It might be better if this was a dream, because then Joshua could wake up and act like they just stayed like that forever, and never had to worry about anything else. Even if the dream didn’t end that way, he could pretend that he just forgot about that part and fill in the blanks.

At some point, he thinks, Jeonghan will release and let go and Joshua will finally feel the cold air circulating in the shop and hear the running coffee machines in the background. He wants no control over when that happens. Jeonghan will end it when he feels uncomfortable or he gets tired of leaning over the chair, it’s quite low in comparison to his height. Joshua will understand.

Jeonghan eventually pulls away. He has to. Joshua is consumed with fears, but he watches as Jeonghan fails to see any of them through - he’s back in his chair and he’s reached for Joshua’s hand, even though he was too stuck in a daze to notice.

“I hate it when you’re like this,” Jeonghan says, probably sincerely. “I think you underestimate how much I worry about you.”

Is he really saying this right now? Joshua can hardly believe it. “I think you underestimate how much I need to be worried about,” he answers.

“I never think I need to worry about you.” Jeonghan looks crushed, hopeless and scared. “I always think you’re fine and I’m making a big deal out of nothing.”

“Maybe you’re making nothing out of a big deal.” He is. Joshua is just afraid to say it bluntly.

At this point, there are some options. Joshua tells various amounts of the truth, or he stays quiet. Either way, Jeonghan will never grasp the full scope of what’s going on, and that will hurt Joshua, maybe even more than keeping it all inside.

“I miss you,” Joshua says. Jeonghan is silent. Surely he’s wondering why this is the reason for Joshua feeling and maybe looking like he wants to die.

“We see each other every day,” Jeonghan says slowly, not trying to be dismissive, just, trying to get an explanation. Joshua appreciates it, but it’s the limit to what he can do.

“I can’t tell what you’re thinking so maybe I’m the one who’s going crazy, but I just don’t think I am. I think I know what’s going on and if I don’t you need to tell me or it’ll eat me alive.”

“I don’t understand. I don’t think you’re losing it, Jisoo.”

“I feel like you don’t even know me anymore, Jeonghan. You know everyone else, but you don’t know me. And I’m lost and alone.”

After those words leave his mouth, Joshua won’t look up from the table. His cappuccino is cold and separated, grounds having fallen to the bottom of the cup.

 

a.

Joshua remembers that one interview when the reporter stole him away for a half hour, excitedly asking him anything she could think of. He was stuck in that room with her, the questions were fine and she was nice, but he was wondering when it would end. She looked at him with stars in her eyes and he had to pretend he wasn’t unnerved by the attention. He’s always been resistant to making his boundaries clear.

She starts to ask about Jeonghan, and Joshua tells her he’s “my closest, someone I can rely on,” and they’ve known each other for four years. He remembers counting on his fingers, even though he knows the number by heart. “We basically joined Pledis together.”

In his memories, the reporter flips through her notebook, searching for more topics to ask about. The door opens.

“Let’s go now, the food is here,” Jeonghan says, sweeping in to rescue him. “This interview has been quite long already,” he adds candidly over his shoulder as they walk out, Joshua’s wrist gripped tightly in his hand.

Maybe she’ll use this in her write up, Joshua thinks, amused, but he feels warm and grateful and shakes the concern out of his head. Joshua bows quickly to the interviewer, hastening his steps to keep up with Jeonghan’s brisk pace.

 

2.

Jeonghan doesn’t come up with an adequate response, emotional reaction, or statement of comfort for Joshua the rest of their time at the cafe. They just sit there, basically, finishing the rest of their drinks. Jeonghan blinks once, and a few tears drop onto the tabletop. Joshua wipes them quietly with a napkin.

They leave after cleaning things up. It’s the least they can do for the server.

“Can I just-” Jeonghan swallows his words. “Never mind.”

“I feel, really lonely,” Joshua says, throat dry. It’s a little emotionally manipulative of him to say. He knows.

“I’m sorry.” Jeonghan chokes up.

This was maybe the worst possible way to go about confessing his deepest source of recent pain to the person actively causing it. Joshua Hong, destroyer of not just others’ feelings, selfishly, but his own, like a masochist. He doesn’t need to see Jeonghan like this.

“Let’s pretend,” Joshua says.

Jeonghan stops in his tracks. “Pretend what? We don’t have to pretend, Jisoo, I’m really sorry I’ve neglected you and-”

“So you know you neglected me?” Joshua’s words pierce sharply into his gut.

Jeonghan stares into space, the wind blowing through his hair. “You’re too harsh.”

Joshua knows. These biting words are unkind and are meant to hurt in theory, not reality. They are meant to be kept as thoughts. “What am I supposed to do?” he asks desperately. “I can’t take this out on anyone else.”

“Jisoo,” Jeonghan gets out before he starts crying in the middle of the sidewalk.

Joshua pulls Jeonghan to the side, against the brick wall of an alley.

“I didn’t know at all.” Jeonghan wipes the tears off his face, trying to retain some composure. “I had no idea you were going through this, I didn’t know you felt this way. You should know that.”

“What I know doesn’t matter, Jeonghan, it’s about what I feel.” Inside, Joshua wants to hit himself, over and over. This is horribly toxic of him, this isn’t Jeonghan’s fault, but he can’t keep his mouth shut. “I feel like I don’t know what’s real anymore.”

“Do you think we were fake?”

“Never. Not a long time ago. Now, sometimes.” Even saying that feels kind of awful. “Too often, but not often enough.”

Jeonghan kicks a rock on the sidewalk. “Nothing is never fake. Especially in entertainment.”

“Let’s be, whatever again, then.” Jeonghan turns his head to face Joshua, but he’s not looking back. “I can’t seem to tell the difference, so let’s just hang out again and pretend to be best friends and let me believe we are again.”

“Jisoo, don’t _say_ it like that.”

“You’re good at acting. Pretend we’re close, pretend you love me.” Joshua has never felt this needy before, not before the debut and not before this coffee date, before he remembered what he was missing. Even this depressing experience with Jeonghan only served to make Joshua want more time with him.

“Jisoo, you don't know what you're asking for.” Jeonghan speaks with finality in his voice. “I won't.”

 

b.

He remembers feeling lost after international touring, tired of the planes and the hotels and the unfamiliar. He misses home.

His real home, America, is still so far out of reach, weeks until a lengthy enough holiday, so Joshua’s substitute is Jeonghan. It says a lot, it means a lot, that he feels this way. They’ve had history and dependency on each other since the beginning of time (what they like to call the start of their trainee periods, since life is never the same afterwards). He’s used to Jeonghan being there when he needs him and he’s used to Jeonghan needing him at the same times.

It’s too late in the US, 4AM, to call his mom. Suddenly, timezones make the distance feel even farther.

Joshua wants to watch a movie on DVD or eat ramen in the kitchen, anything that feels like old times, the grounding he’s familiar with. He can’t think of anyone that will make him feel as at ease besides Jeonghan.

What does Jeonghan say?

“I’m busy, Shua. Another time.” He texts at the speed of light, and he laughs, staring at his screen.

Joshua feels a pang in his heart. “Jeonghan, please.” He tugs at his sleeve.

“Shua, please,” he echoes.

Jeonghan doesn’t understand the situation, but Joshua doesn’t explain it to him. So Jeonghan doesn’t get the chance to tell him the texts are from his little sister, and that he needs to feel close to home too.

Minghao comes up to Joshua in the hallway and asks if he wants to get snacks at the convenience store. Joshua doesn’t know if Minghao can see the lost expression on his face, but he’s grateful anyway, and Minghao doesn’t pry.

“You are a great comfort to me,” Minghao says without any prompting in the chips aisle, and Joshua flushes with warmth. “I’m more glad to have you in my life than you’ll ever know.”

“What is this,” Joshua asks, shocked and touched. “But I love you too.”

“The truth,” Minghao says simply.

 

It’s weird, Joshua thinks, to go from being relied on to relying on someone else, to lose your necessity in their life and gain one for them that becomes a chain around your leg. Somehow that happened, over four years.

Jeonghan has changed since the beginning. Lots, really. He’s not awkward, he’s shameless and daring, and he’s surpassed Joshua in so many meaningless, meaningful ways. He has a level of confidence in his own actions that Joshua envies, and maybe that’s why he’s so insecure about his role in Jeonghan’s life.

Sometimes, sometimes, Joshua thinks it’s because of Seungcheol. Once in a while, he feels like the third wheel. But on this point and this one alone, Joshua gets his head on straight and refuses to blame him.

Seungcheol, to him, is the sun, shining and warm and protective; Seungcheol, to Jeonghan, is liveliness and security, but also so many other things Joshua can never know as a third party. Together, they are all close friends. At any rate, Joshua knows better than to confuse a great presence in their lives for something driving them apart.

It’s just - sometimes, those thoughts need to be thought out, so he can strike them off the list of potential reasons for these feelings. Joshua thinks and thinks, and he silently apologizes to Seungcheol once he can assure himself it’s his own fault.

 

Promotions don’t help him feel any more anchored.

Joshua is still looking for home. He knows it’s bad to only search in one place, but something keeps drawing him towards Jeonghan. This is probably what makes the disappointment worse when he doesn’t find it.

He decides to go to a sweets cafe with Seokmin after practice, but when Jeonghan decides to tag along at the last second, he feels comforted and nervous at the same time.

Jeonghan wears his heart on his sleeve, but sometimes that makes it hard to tell how much he really cares.

Seokmin is telling a story, an embarrassing one, honestly, but Jeonghan is responding and laughing and calling Seokmin his dear fool. Joshua finds it funny too, but he doesn’t know what to say. It’s like they’re caught up in their own world.

Joshua tries his best to look unaffected, but Seokmin has eagle eyes and a lack of subtlety. Jeonghan follows that gaze, and reacts.

“Joshuji, you know that I love you, right?” Jeonghan exclaims, in the middle of a laugh. He doesn’t even make eye contact.

“Yeah,” Joshua says, smiling weakly, and Jeonghan glances at him, nods, and smiles. Then he turns away again to make jokes with Seokmin.

Jeonghan just doesn’t seem to find him as fun anymore. He says what he means, but Joshua is unconvinced he means what he says.

 

3.

“I can’t pretend, because I do care about you, a lot. And I know you don’t believe me, but I’ll make you. I’m going to prove how much I care to you.” He makes this promise with such confidence.

Jeonghan is right. Joshua can’t make himself fall for it that easily, not at first. He trusts Jeonghan, but maybe Jeonghan doesn’t know himself as well as he thinks he does. And the last thing Joshua will do is abandon his better judgment only to see he was right all along.

So when Jeonghan is clinging to his arm in what seems like a natural occurrence, he tries not to think anything of it. This is how Jeonghan is with everyone. Which he should be fine with. He shouldn’t have this ridiculous, Joshua and Jeonghan are better friends than everyone else standard that doesn’t make any sense.

When Jeonghan takes the seat next to him in the car, Joshua wants to convince himself it’s for the sake of his goal. The closer he is to Joshua, the easier it would be to make him feel cared about.

And when he stops by Joshua’s bed to say goodnight, it hurts a lot, because Joshua knows he’s ridiculous. Jeonghan can be as sincere as humanly possible, with the most pure intentions, and this horrible paranoia would already have consumed him too much to see it. Because when Joshua fights his self defense mechanisms and just sits down and thinks about it, Jeonghan has so much affection for him. He has and will go to so many lengths for him.

With every move Jeonghan makes, Joshua feels more helplessly attached to him.

If Jeonghan is right and this is real, it’s more than Joshua can even comprehend.

 

Jeonghan knows showering Joshua with love won’t work. It’ll feel artificial, which is exactly what he doesn’t want, regardless of what he says.

Sincerity is what he needs. Sincerity is what he has, but as Joshua told him, the reality is irrelevant. What matters is what Joshua feels.

He tries so hard to show Joshua, through the little things, that he’s always there with him. It feels like it’s not working, because Joshua still can’t show him those genuine, warm smiles. This is incredibly frustrating, but he knows he needs to have patience. Jeonghan pays extra attention to him and that’s when he realizes what he’s been doing in the past, but in the opposite direction, the direction of ignorance, insensitivity. Joshua was right, he’s been forgetful and oblivious for a long time.

“Maybe,” Jeonghan says, “you're expecting too much of me. I can't read your mind, Shua. I don't know what you're thinking and feeling and I have my own problems to deal with, too. I don't expect you to know everything I'm trying to hide.”

He hears a sigh in the background. “You know my name isn’t Shua, right?” Seungcheol asks.

“I’m just talking to myself,” Jeonghan insists, but he feels the dam breaking. Seungcheol gives him a look of pity, and that makes it all worse.

“Jeonghan-”

“He’s been trying for a long time to maintain our relationship from his end and I just didn’t notice at all,” Jeonghan cries. His head is pressed against the dorm wall, body crumpled on the floor. Seungcheol sits next to him, but Jeonghan won’t face him. Seungcheol didn’t want to get involved with this, but at some point he knew he had to.

“I think you need to talk to him and not me,” Seungcheol says slowly. Jeonghan twitches and doesn’t move. “You’re sorry, but it’s hard to say you did anything wrong, and this could have been avoided if you were better at communicating your feelings. Both of you, I mean.”

“Seungcheol, you don’t understand.” He crawls over to face Jeonghan, leaning his head on his right hand.

“Of course I don’t, Jeonghan.”

“It’s too hard.”

“Jisoo and I are just the same as we’ve always been, I think,” Seungcheol says. He isn’t consumed with as much self-doubt as Jeonghan, so there is no reason not to believe it. “But I don’t really think we can compare relationships that easily.”

“Then can’t you talk to him for me?”

Seungcheol frowns. “Yoon Jeonghan.” Jeonghan looks back at him with a childish pout, but also the look of a kid who’s stuck in a problem bigger than himself. Seungcheol sighs. “I don’t know what to do either.”

“I guess that’s it. Jisoo and I will be fighting forever. Friendship is dead.” Jeonghan looks forlornly at the ceiling.

“Jeonghan, ugh.” He’ll never quit it with the dramatics if Seungcheol can’t come up with some decent advice. “Talk to him, but give him time.”

“Time for what?”

“Time to understand everything.”

 

c.

Because it's not that simple.

Joshua misses the way Jeonghan ugly laughs, the raw reaction that comes out unattractively because he’s too occupied to take care of his image. It's not just that he thinks of the past in longing.

He ignores the present.

It’s just another awkward interview - they’ve never met the MC before and the questions are all kind of awful, but they have to get through it. He asks another thing no one wants to answer, who can do impressions, please stop, they’ve already done like four rounds of special talents. Even Seungkwan is quiet.

Joshua stands up and does a ridiculous one in English. It must be the language barrier that makes it funny, because he’s smiling with his head in his hands and Hansol won’t look at anyone, but everyone else is losing it. Jeonghan can’t control himself, he bursts into loud, unrestrained laughter and his mouth is stretched wide open. It is so distinctly him.

Joshua is something else, a wonder that Seventeen is lucky to have. He comes through when you least expect it with the most hilarious comments and shameless gags. A year or so ago, he confessed to Jeonghan that he thought he was too boring and quiet most of the time, and he didn’t have any idea how to fix it.

“I want some guidance...”

“It doesn’t need to be fixed,” Jeonghan told him. “You’re perfect the way you are.”

“But-”

“No buts about it, Jisoo. It makes the image gap funnier when you do weird things. Now go back to playing your guitar, that was a good song.” Jeonghan gave him a light shove on the shoulder, and Joshua started playing the melody again.

Jeonghan sat with his eyes closed, swaying slightly to the rhythm. Joshua, still unsatisfied, said, “I just want some idea of what to say when like, I don’t have anything to say, you know? Then it’s kind of just awkward silence.”

“That’s your charm, Jisoo, trust me. People like that you’re boring.”

Joshua raised an eyebrow. “That does not at all sound like a charm or a sentence I can trust.”

“TRUST ME!” Jeonghan shouted. “You know you can trust me, right, Shua?” He waved his fingers around his face, like it was sparkling or something. Maybe in Joshua’s eyes, it was.

“Okay, sure,” he answered, and shifted on the couch before starting a new song. Jeonghan laughed at Joshua’s doubting but placated expression. The song was bright and happy, just to Jeonghan’s taste. It’s also something he’s played as many times as he’s sang Sunday Morning on camera, but if Jeonghan is right about his charm, no one’s going to complain.

People say the music you make reflects your heart.

Today, Joshua sits back down with a cheeky bow, and the other members all clap for him. Jeonghan is enthusiastic because he really does think Joshua is one of the funniest people ever, in a really unfunny way, but Joshua doesn’t notice. Jeonghan wants to call out to him but then the MC moves onto another horrible question, and he chances a last glance.

Joshua looks happy. Jeonghan smiles.

 

4.

“You look so tired, Shua.”

Joshua looks up from his book, up into Jeonghan’s face. Seeing Jeonghan standing above him like this, he can see it too. Jeonghan has a bright smile when they’re all together, when they have a schedule, when he talks about Carats. Joshua likes to think he had a brighter one when the two of them were the closest, but it’s obvious now that Jeonghan is too sad to make it the same. This is only one person’s fault.

He’s smiling down at Joshua, but his eyes look so exhausted, drained, lifeless. It’s because of him, isn’t it?

“I asked too much of you,” Joshua says. “I was asking too much, more than I should have. And now I’m the one freaking out because you’re just being a good friend and I’ve been awful to you.”

“Jisoo, no,” Jeonghan assures hurriedly, gripping his hand. “That’s not how it is.”

“I feel really bad about it, Jeonghan. I’m sorry.” He motions for Jeonghan to sit next to him on the bed.

“Jisoo, don’t be silly. It’s not like you goaded me into being friends with you when I don’t want to be. I did it for you,” Jeonghan says. “I’m trying to show it to you. It’s not your fault, and I don’t just hang out with you because I don’t want you to feel alone. I never want that, but I want to spend time with you too. You.”

Joshua moves his hand towards Jeonghan’s hesitantly. Jeonghan closes the gap instantly.

“I don’t know how else to say it. I know you don’t want empty reassurance, but I’m telling the truth, and I have been this whole time. I have always adored you.”

“I don’t have the words,” Joshua whispers, heart filled to the brim with emotion. “At all, to say how much I love you.” Jeonghan shakes his head with a smile and lets go of his hand, pulling Joshua into a hug.

“Maybe I felt like we were close enough and gravitated to other people instead. Maybe we neglected each other by accident or because of the circumstances. But I hope you never doubt how much I care about you.”

“I don’t have to worry, right? Ever?” Joshua looks to Jeonghan’s face, trust deeper than he’s ever felt before. Jeonghan nods.

“Forever.”

Joshua finally feels secure, at ease, at home.


End file.
